Original version in Spanish
Last year, exactly the day after I twist my ankle, I was seeking to vent my feelings on having an injury while being alone , on having to go to work and look after myself and doing my chores. The answer I got was a simple "I do have responsibilities to take care of"
So, let's see if I got it straight. Me being in a city I don't know, working, paying the bills, get food, finding my way up and down the bus with a casquet on my foot, pusshing the grocery cart trought the store, taking the groceries home, all that, is playing house?
I was not suprised by the answer, for the person who share those words with me, someone responsable is, well himself.
I am now in another stage of my life where I get disturbed, sometimes I don't see a way out not even when the door is in front of me. In this times I wonder "Am I responsable?". Well, I do. I am responsable buy highly insecure. Since a couple of weeks I have been working on this project and although I have the answer to the problem I don't seem to solve it. I don't want to. I am at crossroads, if I put the solution out there and it fails, I would lose my job and if I don't put the solution out there I would lose my job. What to do?
I am too aware of the consecuences, I over calculate, if there is the slightless risk of failure I would stop not carrying on to the end. If the task is highly important I will froze in panic. Then I start to chase my tail, I won't do this because I'm scared but I have to do it to get to this point, then I get more scared for another situation, I have to do it but I am scared.
I want to go back to Aguascalientes to keep on with my life in order to do so I have to deliver my report on my internship and get the paper that says I have finished all credits for my career. Whith that paper I can star the procedue to get my bachelor degree. So I'm pushing my limits here to get this done. Once I have finish here I can go back to my appartment, to my city, to my music lessons, my office and my friends whom I miss. I am the only one who can pull this off.
If someone happens to have a prescription for confidence pills, please, tell me where did you got it. I need a good dose of confidence and courage, because leapts of faith are not my thing.
Blessings to all.
AN: I know, I know. Confidence and responsibility are not the same, but at this moment I don't think I can demonstrate responsibility if we are not confident on what I am doing. If I am not confident, how am I supposed to take responsibility of my actions? Maybe I can use something to keep my brain from overthinking and I can act with more freedom, after all I am not as insane as I came across.