Responsibility

Original version in Spanish

Last year, exactly the day after I twist my ankle, I was seeking to vent my feelings on having an injury while being alone , on having to go to work and look after myself and doing my chores. The answer I got was a simple "I do have responsibilities to take care of"

So, let's see if I got it straight. Me being in a city I don't know, working, paying the bills, get food, finding my way up and down the bus with a casquet on my foot, pusshing the grocery cart trought the store, taking the groceries home, all that, is playing house?

I was not suprised by the answer, for the person who share those words with me, someone responsable is, well himself.

I am now in another stage of my life where I get disturbed, sometimes I don't see a way out not even when the door is in front of me. In this times I wonder "Am I responsable?". Well, I do. I am responsable buy highly insecure. Since a couple of weeks I have been working on this project and although I have the answer to the problem I don't seem to solve it. I don't want to. I am at crossroads, if I put the solution out there and it fails, I would lose my job and if I don't put the solution out there I would lose my job. What to do?

I am too aware of the consecuences, I over calculate, if there is the slightless risk of failure I would stop not carrying on to the end. If the task is highly important I will froze in panic. Then I start to chase my tail, I won't do this because I'm scared but I have to do it to get to this point, then I get more scared for another situation, I have to do it but I am scared.

I want to go back to Aguascalientes to keep on with my life in order to do so I have to deliver my report on my internship and get the paper that says I have finished all credits for my career. Whith that paper I can star the procedue to get my bachelor degree. So I'm pushing my limits here to get this done. Once I have finish here I can go back to my appartment, to my city, to my music lessons, my office and my friends whom I miss.  I am the only one who can pull this off.

If someone happens to have a prescription for confidence pills, please, tell me where did you got it. I need a good dose of confidence and courage, because leapts of faith are not my thing.

Blessings to all.

AN: I know, I know. Confidence and responsibility are not the same, but at this moment I don't think I can demonstrate responsibility if we are not confident on what I am doing. If I am not confident, how am I supposed to take responsibility of my actions? Maybe I can use something to keep my brain from overthinking and I can act with more freedom, after all I am not as insane as I came across.

Fary tales

Entrada original en español

Sometime ago I bought Sleep Beauty on DVD. Today I was watching this film and I started to remember many things related to it. I have to tell you that I bought the collectors edition, which included the book sell by Disney during the earlier 80's. I have read that book numerous times. The first copy of the book I had on my hands was part of Disney classic stories collection. Reading the book after many years brought back memories of my chilhood. I remembered my dear aunt Patty and sleep overs at my grandparents house. While watching the film, I also remembered an old desire. The desiere to find true love, being loved and love back in return. The desire for the 'Happly ever after'.

One phrase can whithold endless meanings, specially the famous 'Happly ever after'. I know that there will be obstacles and problems through life. Happines is not the lack of problems. Happines is in addresing all problems and learn from those experiences. Happines is grow everyday and achive our goals. Because happines is in the process of creation and learning.

In all this, it will always be better to have someone to share with those happy moments. Create moments to grow thogether. It is great to achive goals, but is even better to have someone to share those achivements. And is then, when we have that special one to share our success when the fairy tale comes true.

I love you Nanche.

God bless you

Let´s celebrate

Versión original en español

So, what am I celebrating? Well, about a year ago (not sure of the exact date) I quit smoking. Ever since I don't crave cigarrets. Now I am only a passive smoker.

I quit smoking after 6 years of active consumption. It was no coincidence I quit smoking on those days. After my ankle injury I put on a lot of weight. Both my weight and my smoking started to feel on my body. After smoking for 6 years I have been left with a throat sensible for infections and a weight in my concience to look after myselfe for the aftermath.

A year later, I feel much better. I am not light headed, my depressive episodes take more time in between and long less. I have a better breathing I don't get tired as often and my anxiety went down considerably. My skin looks better and my scars take less time to heal.

Smoking is the same as cracking y fingers, apparently I will have arthritis some day, so one bad is enogh for me. Some of my friends say that something is going to kill us, better be something that we enjoy. I disagree. There are a lot of agents that can claim our lifes I want one of those agents out of the list.

I feel so good that I don't want to smoke ever again. After all, best drug I can have right now is love.

Blessings to all,

Image found on site: Smoker's Helpline. If you want help to quit smoking contact your physician or local help groups to join a smoking free programme.

Reflection... and refraction.

Entrada original en español

Hello, everyone:

Here I am at a brand new blog, this is my first log.

This blog I call it Reflection and Refraction of one thoughts. Both refraction and reflection are light phenomena. The refraction happens when the light hits on a refractive surface, like a mirror, the light then is send back to the point of origin. The reflection occurs when teh light is deflected when it crosses from one medium to another, for example from air to water. Both phenomena also occur in our mind. My mind reflects on daily life subjects and events, I reflect on words both heard and read. My own existance, my own actions and attitude towards live are also points of reflection. My mind search for ways to reflect on my life experiences, one many times my mind overflows and I have to put it out somehow. I keep a diary on which I write down my deepest reflections those I like the most I put them here, publicly.

As I write my reflections on any particular subject, the other phenomena starts. the refraction. By writting about my ideas or talking about them, my thoughts become more clear. Sometimes I can see loose endings from which I can learn more than I initialy belived possible or I can correct my beliefs if I found them to be wrong. Oh, yes! I do talk to myself, a lot.

When I write my reflections on this media or by talking about my reflections with someone else, the refraction improves because other peoples minds decode my writings according to their own experiences and when they leave a comment they give me more material to reflect on. That is the way I learn more and more about myself and the world around me and hopefully also the readers will learn something through reading my posts and reading the comments.

Let's not delay this anymore. Welcome to my new blog to fit a new stage on my life.

Kisses and bleassings to all!

P.S. Feel free to leave comments for my writting skils since I am not English native speaker, your corrections will help me to improv my English skills. Thank you in advance.

Welcome

Welcome to my blog in English. Due to web traffic from non spanish speaking countries I have created this site. Here you'll find translations to my posts at http://wicked-anath.blogspot.com
Feel free to leave a comment. If you like these blog please recomend.

Please be patiente with this, since I have a lot of posts on spanish I'll be working on translate them all.

Best regards.